VICTORIAN EUPHEMISMS FOR PROSTITUTES:
Nymph of the pavement
A man walks into an art gallery. He grunts, coughs, sits down, grunts, coughs, grunts, stands up. He leaves the gallery.
My last 20 zlotys, traced onto a sandwich bag.
On a blustery train station platform a man picks dog hairs off the back of a woman’s navy blue coat.
“Don’t miss my arse!” she shouts into the wind.
TIPS FOR A TROUBLE-FREE CROSSING OF THE POLISH-UKRAINIAN BORDER*
Crossing the Polish-Ukrainian border by car can be hard work. Follow these steps for an easy passage (particularly useful when smuggling fuel, cigarettes, alcohol, or other restricted items of your choice):
1. After sitting in a queue for 2 to 3 hours you will finally reach the Polish section of the border. Present your passport and other required documents. When instructed, get out of your car and open the boot. The official will make a cursory inspection.**
2. Drive on to the Ukrainian section of the border. Present your passport and other required documents. Don’t be surprised if the official is drunk. Silently admire the large hat of the official. When instructed, get out of your car and open the boot. The official will remain silent. Take a 2 zloty coin and place it in the boot. Wait patiently while the official pretends to search the car, then picks up the coin and pops it in his pocket.
3. Return to your car, drive over the border and enjoy your trip to Ukraine.
*Courtesy of Krzysztof, aero-engineer and English student.
** NB: do not attempt to bribe any officials at this check point, as they are being watched on CCTV. Also note that inspections coming from Ukraine into Poland will be far more thorough.
VIEW THROUGH A TAXI WINDOW
A woman with scarlet hair wearing a mustard coat runs across a car park, trips on a curb, stumbles, recovers, halts, looks around urgently. She is shouting apoplectically. Her face is the same colour as her hair.
POTENTIAL MISINTERPRETATION: AN IMAGINED TRANSLATION INTO ENGLISH FROM A LANGUAGE I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
FACT: 95% of Poles are Roman Catholic.*
FICTION: 95% of Poles are Roman Catholic.
*According to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Poland
HOW TO BLAZE A TRAIL
1. Assess the density and type of foliage that is growing in the area in which you wish to blaze a trail. Equip yourself with hedge clippers (for smaller bushes), an axe or saw (for trees), and a shovel (to remove medium sized rocks and roots).
2. Plan the width of the trail. For a private trail, it only needs to be about 30 to 45 cm wide, just enough for a single-file line of people. If it’s going to be a public trail, make it wide enough for four hikers abreast.
3. Plan the direction of the trail. Check for any immovable obstacles, such as fences, boulders, large trees, or streams.
4. Cut down or flatten all trees and bushes to make the path. Watch out for animals, poisonous plants, and thorny bushes. Leave some plants growing at the entrances if you want to make it a hidden trail.
5. Clean up the dead bushes. Remove any rocks that could trip people up.
Unless you were lucky enough to be born a genius, you will need to work hard to be a trailblazer! If you equip yourself with the right attitude and the following techniques for success, you can achieve anything and create your own future!
1. Believe in yourself and focus on success! With self-confidence, effort and conviction, you can do whatever you put your mind to!
2. Set goals and stick to them! Be determined and always finish what you’ve started! Yes, it can be hard to stick with a difficult task, but you can do it with persistence and hard work! Think of how proud you’ll be of yourself! If you really want to do something, you will!
3. Make the journey! You’re not on a motorway, you’re trail blazing so you can’t afford to have tunnel vision! Don’t get stuck on the path you have planned–sometimes there will be obstacles that you’ll have to maneuver around, leap over or pummel out of your way!
4. Adopt a positive frame of mind and take the good times with the bad! Obstacles are natural and exist to be overcome! Relish them! Engage with them consciously and with a positive attitude! Periodically step back and assess their nature, your approach, and what you believe lies beyond the obstacle, then re-engage with your task without hesitation!
5. Be humble and vulnerable! Don’t be fooled by praise or criticism! However great your idea or plan, there’s someone out there who can help you make it even better, or at least easier to attain! Listen to feedback and criticism, and be encouraged by praise!