Posted: August 13th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

Issues I’d Like to Address

Today a friend drew my attention to an amazing story in the news about one woman’s face transplant, needed after a chimpanzee attack. This chimp that had torn off her face and hands, torn out her eyes, and blinded her. I just want to known who is still trying to keep these things as pets. How many attacks does to take for someone to realize maybe it isn’t a good idea to coop an extremely smart, strong, and feral creature in a little box and make it use the toilet? Haven’t people heard this before? Every third This American Life seems to be about trying to domesticate a chimpanzee. This is what I don’t understand.

So we’ve heard that nuts and yogurt are good for you, and have been proven to help with weight control and even weight loss over a few years. Both of them help keep your metabolism going overnight if eaten before bedtime, as well, further aiding in weight control. And yet, nuts and some yogurt are full of calories. I mean, packed. You have a handful of peanuts, and bam, 200 calories. How do you reconcile these things? Especially since it’s also been proven that less calories mean weight loss, no matter where those calories are coming from, even twinkies.

Thank you.



Posted: August 12th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

New Dating Terminology and Definitions

Incompatible – The incomes of the two parties are too disparate for attraction to persist. Ex: “She wanted to go to the ballet, and he wanted to watch the ballet on his computer because he didn’t own a TV and ate Ramen. They were incompatible.”

Going Dutch – This is a relatively modern practice where the man pays for his date out of a sense of chivalry and cognizance of the gender pay gap. Ex: “Hey Honey, since we’re going dutch for dinner, I’ll pay for the movie tonight.” -the woman

Bind date – When you forget to Google the person before your date. Ex: “Jesus, I haven’t been on a blind date since 1997. Before that I was using Lycos!”




Posted: August 11th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Wheat Toast Crunch

%75 Dark Cocoa Puffs

Superstitious Charms

Trix (sp.)

Superfruit Loops

Honey Combover

Anne Rice Crispies


Posted: August 10th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


TV PILOT: “Throw Forward”

GENRE: Supernatural police procedural

SLOGAN: How far would you throw?

CONCEPT: After a night of drinking and a morning nursing himself on quiche lorraine, homicide detective Gary Kessler realizes that his upchuck consists not of items previously eaten, but of things he will be eating in the future. Using this knowledge, Gary is able to pinpoint his next day whereabouts by puking and locating the approximate crime scene of a murder yet to happen. As Kessler spirals deeper into an ever more dangerous case of bulimia, he must try to stop the impending murders in his own cases. In a world where crimes might be halted before they could ever occur, Throw Forward asks the question, what if you could predict the future through your vomit? 

…And how far would you throw?


Posted: August 8th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Sharp edge of paper
Opening the envelope
Will never pay well


Posted: August 8th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

Kari asked Paul a question. “Why is there always some crust around the side of your mouth?” He’s told her about his skin condition before. “It’s from that thing I told you about. You already knew about that.” He brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his mouth. “Thanks for noticing,” he said, glibly. “What?” she shot back. “I was just asking.”

Hector posed Theresa a thought. “I wonder if your mother would make more money if she was white.” This was a weird thing to say, thought Theresa, as Hector’s mom was white. “I don’t know. We weren’t all blessed with your varied heritage,” said Theresa, the emphasis on “varied” smothering, protecting a wound. “What?” he said. “I was just wondering.”

Jacob told Charles a joke. “But then she wouldn’t have tried to break up with you!” he said. Charles’ face dropped, and he was suddenly very disappointed in his friend. He’d had a rough day, a few drinks at the end that didn’t help. He gave Jacob a look that told him he was not happy. “Oh, don’t be a baby. I was just kidding.”

“So if you’re kidding, I shouldn’t take it seriously?” Jacob thought for a moment. “Yeah.” Charles: “And then it wouldn’t hurt.” Jacob again answered, “Yeah.” “Okay, well, you promise not to take this seriously?” Jacob shrugged. Couldn’t see the harm. “Sure.”

Charles told Jacob a joke. He promptly punched him in the face with a fist like a rock. Jacob reeled in his stool, grabbed hold of the counter to keep from falling. “What the fuck?” he yelped. “Oh, don’t be a baby,” said Charles. “I was just kidding.”



Posted: August 7th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Posted: August 6th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Posted: August 4th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

Greg Tully realized he really should’ve read more of the report. He’d only skimmed, beer in hand, Stewart on the TV. Only perused. Actually, he didn’t peruse, because of course peruse means the opposite of what most people think it does; it means to delve into something, it means to read it carefully. It means to do what he should’ve done. Now, he’d left himself with no idea what’s on the report, and way too much of an idea about what peruse means. Worthless, worthless, worthless.

“Go ahead, Greg,” said Craiger, sitting on the couch, relaxed in the eyes yet leaning forward intensely. “Show us. On the board there.”

Greg was standing with the marker. He’d hope his shaking was masked by the cloying, oversized blazer he made himself wear for this one meeting. Did he even hear the question right. Holy shit, what was the question? He was going to have to ask.

“…What would you like me to show?” Craiger sighed. “A chart. A diagram. Whatever it is you guys do.” Greg waited a few moments, hoping for more. When nothing came he dazedly turned back to the board. Did someone just punch him in the gut? It felt like someone just punched him in the gut.

He brought the market to the paper. First step: draw something. Draw something, draw something, draw something. His hand moved. It bent downwards, paused for a second, and wrapped around. It was a circle. He thought hard for a moment, holding the marker back, at his side.

“Excellent!” The outburst came from Craiger. “Genius!” The other men in the room looked at him, confused, but intrigued. “I knew I could count on you.” Greg stammered, “Thanks.” Craiger stood up. “All right, everyone, let’s clear out and get to work. A lot of things to do now, a lot of things to plan.” He ushered the other men on with his hands and everybody cleared out of the room. Greg wanted to follow but felt no strength in his legs. So he stood in the now peaceful room, and he gazed at his drawing alone. His circle, his solution. What was it?


Posted: August 3rd, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Posted: August 2nd, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Posted: August 1st, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

Your friend says, “Hold on just a second, I forgot my…”

1. socks [GREEN]

2. clean socks [BLUE]

3. government bond [ORANGE]

4. grandmother’s hairpin that she let her friend Phyllis borrow in 1947 and then forgot to ask for it’s return.

5. glasses [RED]


CODE GREEN – Relax. Everything will be better in a couple of minutes.

CODE BLUE – Okay, a tiny bit more complicated. But we’ll get there.

CODE ORANGE  – This might take a bit. You should probably adjust your expectations as to when you will be arriving at your next destination. But hope is not lost. I mean, it’s a government bond. It’ll be somewhere. The internet?

CODE YELLOW – Prepare to be very late. What kind of investigation does this involve? First, your friend has to call his grandmother, supposing she is still awake. Then he must get the contact info of her friend Phyllis, whom we are now supposing is not only awake, but alive. Then, supposing that Phyllis lives within a reasonable distance, you both have to drive over there to pick up the hairpin, of course, supposing the hairpin hasn’t been lost. It’s reasonable to assume you’re not going to make it.

CODE RED – Buy new glasses. Get a new friend.




Posted: August 1st, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


Moving back into my girlfriend’s house

After living on my own, three months

New cereal sits on the top of fridge

I lie down next to her in bed

My trash bin stuffed with books back into my car

Like a bone, reset, waiting

For the next blow.




Posted: July 31st, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

Heaven exists.


Posted: July 30th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »


1. Azone layer – A nondescript reference to any zone layer.

2. Ezone layer – An intangible, imperceptible boundary that forms in a roughly square foot radius around someone while they use a computer. Breaking that layer better be for good reason, or should wait until the email has been sent.

3. Izone layer – The human soul. Located directly within the spiritual, personal and social layers.

4. Uzone layer – The thin film that forms around food fried in a tempura batter.




Posted: July 28th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

F Hairstyles

Temple Fade – Sometimes called a “Brooklyn Fade,” “Low Fade,” or “Blow Out,” the hair is faded from the skin up to 1 cm in length from the edge of the hairline. The hair is left full-length at the top, usually done up with gel and spikes. Popular (only) in the northeast United States, made known through reality shows such as Growing Up Giotti and The Jersey Shore.

Fofa –  Short to standard length on the sides and backside, with a bald section in the center due to natural hairlessness. Derived from the style of Western monks. Popular in temples from the middle ages or on the board of directors of investment banks.

Finger wave  – A method of setting hair into waves (curls) that was popular in the 1920s and 1930s and in the late 1990s in North America and Europe. The process involves pinching the hair between the fingers and combing the hair in alternating directions to make a wave shape. Popular in critically acclaimed HBO dramas.

Feelers – Feelers are strands of hair that grow out in front of the ears, over the section where sideburns would normally grow. Employed by men and women both, feelers add a trendiness to the hairstyle. Popular among 14 year olds, the Japanese, and 14-year-old Japanese.




Posted: July 27th, 2011 | Author: | 1 Comment »

Potatoes die alone.


Posted: July 27th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

Standing tall over Chicago
don’t despair
the windy city won’t blow you down
your skirt is already up
what more could you ask for
frozen at your most powerful moment

Let them lean on your heels
pretend to lick your feet
keep your eyes pointed
toward St. Louis
maybe follow the flight
of a bird landing below

Your smile in the face
of all the critics
I wish I was up there with you
wish I could stay with you
when they take you from Michigan Ave
but can’t take you down


Posted: July 25th, 2011 | Author: | 1 Comment »

I talked to two British girls today who were living in Los Angeles. One was here on a work visa, the other was visiting. They decided to go see Harry Potter.

So I asked, “So how does that work? When you see the movies does everybody speak with an American accent?”

They laughed, so that made me feel good. But they probably laughed because they were English. You see, in England, it’s polite to make stupid fucking jokes.


Posted: July 25th, 2011 | Author: | 1 Comment »

1. RAW – Carrie placed her elbow on the hard, raw carpet fibers on the gym floor and began doing sit ups.
2. CHASE - Most people go to the gym to get a better body, to look better naked, to feel good about themselves.
3. APPRECIATION – Carrie never cared about that, though, which I’d always respected. She was probably one of the few in that room for the sake of living healthier.
4. DUTY – Anyways, the way she tells it, one of the staff members walked over to her while she was on the ground. Asked her to turn her shirt inside out.
5. DRAFT – She suddenly noticed the air flowing through the room, drifting under her shirt, against her damp skin. What did this guy want?
6. WEEKEND - “We can’t allow other gym’s logos at Fitness 5.” Carrie was confused until she realized she was wearing the red wicking shirt her father gave her last weekend, a hand-me-down from when he worked as a staff member at another gym in the area.
7. CONNOTATION – The staff member apologetically waved his hand. “I’m sorry. It’s not me. People from corporate saw you on the cameras.”
8. RECTANGLE – He pointed to some rectangular mirrors lining the top corner of one side of the room, angled downward, a feature Carrie’d never noticed before.
9. CONSUMER – So she changed in the locker room, not a big deal. One of the other members asked if she was a personal trainer at the other gym. “No,” she said. “But I guess they saw me on the cameras.” The guy looked at the corner. “That’s wild…”
10. RED – Carrie got back on the ground. She laid on her side, fully aware at the solid square shape of her body facing that wall, the big red shirt she had on. She pushed off the ground, and relaxed, a tightness squeezing in her right side, each time the world in front of her shifting. She turned to her other side, her back facing that wall. Still she felt someone’s eyes burning into her as she began pushing herself off the ground over and over, staring blankly at the machine in front of her. Her elbow was in pain, her side was splitting and tired. She stopped.
11. FRIENDSHIP – I got a call from her on her way home and she told me about the whole thing. I mean, I’d never heard of something like that, so what could I say? But from what I remember, there was no mention of maybe not ever going back to the gym again.
12. MIRROR – When she got home, she brushed her teeth, looked at herself in the mirror for the first time in awhile, in a way that you and I do most of the time, several times a day. This was weird for her, remember. She’s not like us.
13. CLIMBING – She climbed into bed, and pulled her bedsheets around her body, but closing her eyes, she couldn’t feel the bedsheets at all. When she pictured herself, she was lying naked. No topsheet, no comforter, bare.
14. ADAPTER – The next few days I remember noticing her wearing earrings to school. It was a strange change, but I complimented her on them. She seemed pleased with the attention. “Something my grandmother gave me.”
15. PRIMITIVE – After that, though, she was done with them. She bought a few different outfits I remember, but again, went back to wearing her old clothes. We took the new ones to Good Will together.
16. PEACE – She went back to the gym a few more times, I guess, at least that’s what she told me. But it didn’t stick. “It’s not for me,” is what she told me. “I’d rather do something I actually enjoy.”
17. DIET – “Did you still want to be healthier?” It was something we were all trying at the time. “Perhaps you could just watch what you’re eating.” She nodded, maybe. She’d lost interest.
18. TON – I didn’t see her a ton that summer. We decided to take a break, pick it back up when school started. She stayed in the city working at the library and I went back home.
19. FRESH – This semester I was blown away. She’d completely changed. Maybe it was just having a fresh perspective on her.
20. DEPTH – She still lit up the way I remembered her, sure. She still seemed to be the one person basing her entire personality on thoughts, on soulfulness. Not a drop of distraction came from the superficial, from the way things looked. I poured my guts out to her. We made each other laugh.
21. SUNSHINE – But despite the good feeling, I didn’t… I couldn’t… I was no longer attracted to her. I asked her if she was happy, and she said yes.
22. KICKING – I guess sometimes I wonder if she kept up the gym thing, whether we’d still be together. It’s as if once she realized that someone was always going to be watching her, she let herself go. Maybe I should’ve done something. Maybe I could’ve.
23. JUVENILE – Let’s change the subject. Seriously, we’re like teenagers. We talk about everyone except those in the room.