DIE. [GMT-7 LOS ANGELES]

Posted: April 4th, 2012 | Author: | No Comments »

Ever since they instated that you witness your own funeral on your 45th birthday, everyone had a much easier time being middle aged.

Excessive sports cars sales plummeted. Marriages went unadulterated. Thousands of children spared embarrassment.

It was hard not to pick out the flowers that I actually wanted, though. It was hard to put on a suit they picked out for me, one with pointed lapels, when I never liked pointed lapels.

My wife pulled me in close to her. “You were wonderful. You have a wonderful funeral.” I appreciated this, especially since nobody was supposed to talk to me, but I didn’t agree at all. The flowers were wrong, the suit was wrong, the guestlist was wrong.

This is why I realized that it’s not really the funeral that matters. It’s the afterparty to the funeral, when you can get drunk, when you don’t have to worry about the stupid little flowers, when you don’t have to worry about the stupid wrong suits. Sitting in the front row, though, looking at my imaginary self in the coffin, I shuddered and racked my brain:

God, I hope I’m invited to the afterparty.

 

Twitter: @BenBenCaro

 



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