SCARE. [GMT-4 WASH DC]

SCARE. [GMT-7 LOS ANGELES]

have you ever
made a sex tape
no
i have not
have you?
no
would you mind
if we tried
no

i don’t
know what to do
yes
you do
just don’t think
about it
but it’s there
it’s not there

i feel it
i feel it
it’s not there
i feel it
where will you put it?
as long as it
doesn’t go on the internet

ha ha
no
it stays between us
you can even keep it
no
i trust you

i trust you
i trust you
no

CHAMPION. [GMT-7 LOS ANGELES]

March 6th, 2011

A team of researchers in England wasted our time determining which is the catchiest song ever made.

After carrying out “under-cover data collection in night clubs across the North of England,” which is coincidentally what most of the scientists did on their weekends, the scientists “did a musical analysis of a large subset of songs regarding the vocal performance on the recording as well as the structure of the songs.”

After not curing cancer, they concluded that pop songs are catchiest when sung by a male singer, for historically, males led people into battle, so the male vocal register incites the same psychological reaction. Additionally, if he usees his “high chest voice, pronounces the consonants of the lyrics clearly and puts a lot of vocal effort into his performance,” even better. No one wants to try to sing along with someone who makes it look easy, because then who feels like the asshole? An example of a ‘high effort’ male singers included Jon Bon Jovi. The researchers actually determined that.

Miraculously, the scientists found that UK residents were likely to sing along “if it is late at night, if it is a weekend and if the song has been in high up in the UK charts at some point.” What these scientists might discover if applying their brilliance to another field, such as quantum physics or neuroscience, we can only fear.

“We hope that our study will inspire musicians of the future to crack the equation for the textbook tune,” opined musicology expert Dr Daniel Müllensiefen, who was probably really excited to use the phrase ‘textbook tune,’ a term he’d been hard at work refining for months (at night clubs across the North of England).

The Top Ten Catchiest Pop Songs (As Determined by Dr. Müllensiefen’s Team in England)

1. We are the Champions – Queen
2. YMCA – The Village People
3. Fat Lip – Sum 41
4. The Final Countdown – Europe
5. Monster – The Automatic
6. Ruby – The Kaiser Chiefs
7. I’m Always Here – Jimi Jamison
8. Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
9. Teenage Dirtbag – Wheatus
10. Livin’ on a Prayer – Bon Jovi

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Twitter: @BenBenCaro