EXPECTED PARANOIA. [GMT-7 LOS ANGELES]

(a story about fear)

I

EXPECTATION: Donald will bring the Ménage à Trois wine to the casual office party, and everybody will be impressed with its generally appealing taste.

REALITY: Donald brings the Ménage à Trois wine to the casual office party, then after many glasses of it, lets everyone in the office know you’re gay.

II

EXPECTATION: Everybody will accept you for you who you are, and will actually be impressed with your ability to keep it a secret and not let it get in the way of working relationships.

REALITY: Terry, the pony-tailed art director, takes a sudden interest in feeding you shots in the back room, then helps you back to your apartment later that night. He helps you up the stairs to your apartment door, carrying you up one step at a time, his hand groping around your lower back for the perfect amount of leverage, and then you can’t remember anything after that.

III

EXPECTATION: You will wake up and Terry will be making your breakfast. The smell of eggs and sausage (where did that sausage come from?) will remind you of the summer you spent at Boy Scout camp for some reason, waking up in the lodge and following the smell of breakfast to the next building over. You’ll sigh and roll over in bed. You won’t know what happened the night before, but at that moment, you won’t care, because it’ll actually feel right.

REALITY: Terry is gone. You spend the day looking for your wallet. You buy a bottle of malt liquor from the grocery store with a few dollars you found in your pants pocket, lie on your couch, and drink yourself into a stupor.

IV

EXPECTATION: You will call Terry, spew insults at him, threaten legal action, and he only laughs. A few minutes later you’ll get a call from your boss telling you not to come in on Monday because of the terrible thing you did to Terry the night before. You will try to call somebody for help, a friend, someone who will know what happened, but no one will answer their phone, or even worse, nobody will talk to you ever again.
REALITY: Donald brings the Ménage à Trois wine to the casual office party, and everybody is impressed with its generally appealing taste.