HOW TO PERFORM TAXIDERMY ON A SMALL FOX (WITHOUT HATING YOURSELF)
- Lay the fox on its back. Use a sharp blade to cut in the center of the chest just 2 inches in front of the tail. Continue into the sex organs and anus, then make an incision at the bottom of the tail. Wonder what has happened to your life.
- Pull the skin on one of the forelegs backward as much as possible toward the spine. Use a bone saw to cut through the leg and remove the skin from the body to the spine. Jesus Christ, what is this. Continue making incisions, skinning near the neck, ears and feet. Take extra precaution around the eyes and ears, splitting the eyelids, as well as lips, for salting. Use your thumb to apply pressure, and separate the skin from the body. Ugh, it’s still bleeding. This is terrible.
- Dip the carcass into a plaster of paris solution in order to make a mold. Okay, done. Guess I’ll just, I don’t know, put it on the counter.
- Apply salt on all the skinned areas and leave it overnight. I’m going to need to watch 3 hours of Parks and Recreations to get this out of my head. Resalt it for another 12 hours and hang it to dry. God dammit, it’s back. Can’t sleep. Can’t eat.
- Put the skin back on the mold. Start from the upper lip, then the lower lip, legs, foot pad, toes, body, eyes, ears and nose. Sew them through the cuts using a round needle. No way. No fuckin’ way.
- Add marbles into the eye sockets for eyes, and apply whiskers and teeth from the original animal to the new sculpture. Hey this is cute.