HOW TO LOSE A TAIL, AND HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR CAR SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO VISIT THE AUTO BODY SHOP
IN A CAR
- First of all, determine that someone is actually tailing you. Drive like someone who can’t decide what they want to do. Speed up without warning, slow down out of nowhere. Put on your right hand turn signal and turn left. If the car you think is tailing you inexpicably mirrors your actions, then, well, they are.
- Do not pull over to let them pass. Do not stop at all. If the car wants to pass, it can do so on it’s own. Roll up your windows and lock your doors. Make noise and try to get other drivers’ attentions. Even if no one’s around and you’re on a dark road, beep your horn. You never know if a cop’s within earshot.
- Keep track of the path you’re on so as not to get lost. Make note of landmarks, the turns you make.
- Consider boarding a bus or some form of public transit, then leaving through the rear exit once your pursuer is able to board. Also, try getting to a public place, such as a crowded cafe. Tell the barista that you think you’re being followed, and to call the police.
IN A BUILDING
- You may want to hide out for awhile. Order a venti full leaf chai tea latte to calm your nerves. Sit at a table that is secluded, but has a fair view of both the decor and the outdoors.
- Hopefully you’ve brought a book. Crack it open. If you haven’t already, read the introduction. It might help you put the rest of the book in context, and ground you for a deeper understanding and experience of the text.
- Skip to the chapter on auto body maintenance, specifically the section dealing with tail lights. Because you can be pulled over and ticketed, it’s pretty important you keep tail lights in good shape. When you leave the shop, you run your hands along the smooth glass exterior of the tail lights, the gleaming light fixtures sit as if floating inside. Everything is back where it is.