Posted: June 10th, 2011 | Author: | No Comments »

To be considered good, your film should contain at least three of the following elements:

  • A two-minute take where neither the subject, whether character or setting, nor the camera moves.
  • The protagonist is told, “Jesus, you look like shit,” by another character every hour and a half.
  • A soundtrack made entirely out of Brian Eno loops, or conversely, plunking from a toy piano.
  • At least two of the characters have a pharmaceuticals addiction.
  • All of the characters die slow, gratuitous deaths by the end of the film, but not a drop of blood is shown.
  • The ending neither satisfies nor invigorates the audience.
  • An ending where the protagonist kills him or herself, regardless of what the rest of the movie is like.
  • It is made up entirely of endings.
  • It is made up entirely of beginnings and middles, introducing new characters anytime a plot seems to develop.
  • It has all pale actors.
  • It has all regular-looking actors, who have all been artificially desaturated.
  • A domestic animal dies.
  • Jackie Chan is not a member of the cast.
  • Subtitles that have little to no bearing on the actual dialogue.
  • Visuals that have little to no bearing on the actual film.
  • At most two smiles, one half-smile, and one smirk-sort-of-thing.
  • Monotone voice-over by Edward Norton.

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