HOW TO DECEIVE MOM AND DAD: A RETROACTIVE GUIDE FOR ADULTS
Staying Up Past Your Bedtime
Hearing this phrase might initially cause you to conjure up images of cruising up into the driveway at 3am with your lights off, praying that the garage door is somehow open so you don‘t have to risk the dog going haywire as you desperately wrestle your keys into the main door. But no. No, no, no. I’m talking about it being perhaps 11pm on a school night and you’ve been in your basement the whole time talking on the phone with your “boyfriend,” or conversely, on the fifth consecutive hour of Final Fantasy. You know what I’m talking about. “No staying up this late playing games, Jack. You‘ll ruin your sleep schedule.” To be fair, the biologically natural waking schedule for young adults is staying up late, then sleeping later, but of course this is beyond the conventional wisdom of adults and your county school board. In any case, to make it out of this one, you’ll need to follow some specific steps. 1. Turn off the TV. If you’re smart, you’ll have turned off most of the lights in the house during the time you were supposed to go to bed, so you don’t have to worry about that now. Just make sure you’ve cleared a path to the stiars. 2. You’ve climbed from the basement no problem and walked the short hall to the staircase leading upstairs. Careful now. Cautiously walk on your tiptoes up the stairs, only stepping on the outermost edges of the stairs, where they are least likely to be used and therefore least likely to make any noise. 3. At the top of the stairs, it’s tricky. You’ll need to use the method of stepping on the outer-edges, but try to map out any structural sore spots during daytime hours, such as metal vents built too close to the floor. Use the walls as leverage — if done correctly, you should look like someone from the scene of a heist movie, acrobatically flipping over lasers and giving your future self arthritis. 4. The fourth step is the sneakiest. Instead of heading to your bedroom, hit the bathroom instead, strip down, and turn on the lights. If you’ve messed up and woken one of your parents, you can simply say you’ve gotten up to use the bathroom.
Getting Out of Brushing Your Teeth
I don’t know what it is about brushing your teeth when you’re young that makes it seem so incomprehensibly unmanageable. Looking at it objectively, it’s hygienic, refreshing, and increases your chances of getting laid, or whatever it is kids get when they’re eight. Kids are developing at a faster rate than ever before, right? A kiss on the lips then. So despite the advantages, it’s totally uncomfortable and annoying. I get it. You don’t have to tell me. And if you lie to mom and dad, what will they do? “Let me smell your breath.” Then bam, the jig’s up. Your mouth smells like the Cheetos you had at 9pm and you’re screwed. So while you’re in the bathroom pretending to brush your teeth, you’re going to want to run the water for a little while, wetting the toothbrush just in case your mom decides to test it out like a freak. Second, squeeze a little toothpaste on your finger and wipe it along your tongue. The tongue is what directly affects your breath, so if you soak that baby up, you’ll smell like you‘ve been scrubbing those teeth down all day. Of course, in the time it takes you to do that, you could actually be brushing your teeth, but that would mean that you‘d have to actually be brushing your teeth, which we all know is gross.
SOUNDS DOWNSTAIRS, REAL OR IMAGINED:
1. stupid creaky third step on the second floor
2. Linda Blair
3. hippie drum circle